Just as I felt that I was already accepted into the cell, I suddenly find myself all lost again… not knowing where I am and who the ones that are true around me… I find myself lost in that world once more… with my security level hiked up really high ‘cos I have no idea who I can really trust… no one in my cell is listening to my cries… I guess no one can really understand this cry and this pain… I feel that when I talk to them they just listen superficially and not really understanding the point that I want to make… When I said that I really struggle to connect the worship songs to the word, I really mean it… it’s true that the worship songs do not need to be connected to the word, it is just a form of worship unto God, but still I feel that it sets the whole atmosphere right before we start the actual sharing of God’s word ‘cos it’s the first thing you do before the sharing of word… and when I said I feel that refreshments are not needed I really mean it too!!! What’s the use of having refreshments when you can’t even find enough time to finish cell??? And when you finish cell you straight away have to clear the room and move up to the sanctuary for pre-service prayer… where are you going to find time to eat, and when you buy the food and don’t finish it, everything’s going into the dustbin, I seriously think that it is a waste of time and money… in fact, what we should do after cell is not have refreshment but go up to the sanctuary to quiet down and prepare our hearts for pre-service prayer… set the record with God straight, put down all the burdens that have piled up over the last week in front of God instead of eating and drinking… all these fellowship can be done after service during dinner where everyone is eating at the same table…

I seriously feel that I am not being taken seriously and to me some of them just seem so fake – actions and all. This makes me feel as though they don’t really like me, they just want to seem friendly… true, there are a lot of things that I don’t know but I feel that there is really no need for sarcasm 'cos things that I am not interested in I will not go and find out only when you tell me will I know... seems like my group will never be able to reach the standards of my ideal cell... my ideal cell is one where everyone is just opened u... there are no walls being built... and also even if one is not feeling too good about something but does not speak out the cell leaders will be able to tell and sense it... not just through the actions of the person but even if the person forces him or herself to look fine they will still be able to sense the pretense and then have a one to one talk with them... though it is hard to find such a cell, but I know that such a cell does exist somewhere in this world... if only...